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Long-term MAP/Teleio Partnerships


No, I’m not lying.

How is this possible?

The relationship survives just like any other long-term relationship: with a great deal of honesty and trust. There are teleiophiles who are open-minded and willing to be educated.

Assuming the couple love each other, see each other as equals and respect each other, this can be no more difficult than any other bump in the relationship. MAP-teleio relationships go through the same ups and downs as teleio-teleio relationships. The goal, as always, would be to avoid unnecessary downs.

Obviously, the first thing that needs to happen is the MAP’s sexual orientation needs to be explained to the teleiophile. This can happen one of two ways—and one is better than the other.


Outing The MAP

Let’s start with this, as this is not the ideal situation. It should be avoided if at all possible.

If the teleio of the relationship has reason to suspect their partner of being minor-attracted, it means something has gone wrong: either privacy has been invaded (such as a phone or journal being read) or the partner has behaved in some manner that has alarmed the teleio.

Should this happen, however, there are ways to deal with it.

Teleios, minor-attraction is not a crime, and it’s not something that should end the relationship. This is the person you love. They haven’t changed in the time between you starting to wonder and them answering your question.

You’ll need to ask your (potentially) MAP partner in a quiet, private place, using a calm, non-judgmental tone. Leave lots of space for the emotions you’ll both experience.

If your partner is a MAP, it will be hard for them to answer you honestly. They have been keeping this secret for a long time, and their life has depended on keeping this secret. Understand that they will be defensive and angry and frightened and a million other things that no one wants their loved one to feel.

If your partner says they are minor-attracted, you’ll have to explain to them why you suspected this. If you want them to be honest, you’ll also have to be honest. Vulnerability is a trait that must now be shared... even if you breached their privacy with no cause.

Remind yourself again and again of the love you have for your minor-attracted partner. Educate yourself on minor-attraction. Get support. Many people have made this type of relationship work.


The Best Way: Choosing a Teleio Partner

Ideally, the first thing to happen is the MAP chooses a teleio partner. Why is this the MAP’s responsibility? Because MAPs have a secret that most potential partners aren’t even going to consider being a possibility.

There are cases of teleios deliberately seeking MAP partners, but those are the proverbial hen’s teeth.

So, choose your potential teleio partner well. Make sure this is someone who is open-minded and willing to learn, as well as someone you would (literally) trust with your life. Can you see yourself telling this person about your orientation? Can you see it happening in the near future? Is there a good chance they’ll take it well?

If you think you can’t trust this teleio, maybe this isn’t the partner for you.


Coming Out

When gut feeling says the time is right, the MAP should come out to their teleio partner. (This is so much better for the relationship than getting outed.) Choose your time and place, leaving lots of space for both of you to deal with the emotions that will inevitably come up.

Choose a method that works for your personality and your partner’s. If you’re literary types, a letter might be a good way to break the news. If you’re not comfortable writing—or your teleio partner isn’t fond of reading—a face-to-face conversation may be your best option.

(Phone calls and text messages aren’t recommended, as they’re too impersonal and leave too much to the imagination.)

Having facts ready is a good idea. Have your favourite website or book immediately available; show your partner easily-digested articles (research abstracts or magazine articles might be good). If you can connect them with other teleio partners of MAPs, that gives them immediate support.

If possible, all this should happen before any long-term commitments are made. Waiting until after the wedding or after children are born makes it seem like the MAP is trying to trick the teleio. While this can’t always be avoided, the earlier you come out to your partner, the better.


My MAP Partner Just Came Out

Teleios, if your MAP partner has just come out to you, remember who they are. They have been this way since you met them. They are no different than they were five minutes before they told you.

It has taken a lot of courage—a lot of courage—to tell you this. It demonstrates the huge amount of trust your minor-attracted partner has for you, as well as the amount of love. They were willing to risk a lot to tell you this. They believe you are worthy of this secret.

Remain open-minded. Ask questions rather than assuming. Take in as much information as you can handle, and then take a break before going back for more. Once you know everything, you’ll find this orientation is nowhere as frightening as you’ve been led to believe.


The Cat's Out of the Bag Now What?

Keep talking. Both partners need to keep asking questions; both partners need to keep answering questions. This is not a single-conversation issue.

Scientific articles and factual websites can answer some questions, but most of them will be personal—things that only the partners can answer.

Expect emotions to change. Just because a person is calm one day doesn’t mean they won’t be anxious or defensive the next. Anger may come into it, as well, even though there doesn’t seem to be a cause for it; acknowledge each other’s emotions and deal with them as best you can.


Clarify Boundaries

One of the first decisions will be who to tell. The teleio may want to talk to friends and family about the matter, but that can result in severely negative situations for everyone.

Teleios, you cannot talk to people without your MAP partner’s permission. Their life or livelihood may be at stake: they need to know that you’ll help keep them safe. While you may be very confused and scared, imagine what your MAP partner is going through.

(Certainly, there’s no need to do something stupid like announce it on social media. That will not solve any problems, and it will just create more for you. Don’t be a jerk.)

MAPs, your teleio partner has likely had quite the shock. Saying “don’t tell anyone” may unintentionally leave them feeling isolated and/or threatened. Find a MAP who has a teleio partner for your partner to talk to. Connect them with a family support group (try The Global Prevention Project’s). Make sure your teleio doesn’t feel the way you did when you figured this out.

If there’s anything else your teleio partner needs to know, now’s the time to tell them. Don’t wait until they’ve made a mistake that’s hard for the two of you to fix.


What About Sex

There is no single answer for this. Every couple is different. It’s all about love and trust again.

Sometimes, nothing changes at all. Whatever you have still works.

Sometimes the revelation is enough to end sexual desire for one or both, but the emotional part of the relationship continues.

Sometimes, the sexual aspect of the relationship has not been established before the coming out, so things still need to start from scratch.

Sometimes, the teleio worries that they can never fulfill the MAP’s fantasies, and they become insecure.

Sometimes, the teleio worries that the MAP is thinking about a minor while having sex with the teleio.

Sometimes, the MAP, despite being non-exclusive, goes through a phase where adult bodies aren’t quite as appealling as they used to be, and they’ll have to explain this to their teleio partner.

The solution to any problem is to keep an open mind. If the couple insists on following traditional guidelines, things are likely to run into problems at some point. To avoid the worst, explore options together:

  • try different activities and positions

  • try using toys or role-play

  • try non-sexual interaction for physical affection, and masturbate together or separately

  • open your relationship so you have other sexual or romantic partners

  • explore an asexual relationship

There are no rules. If your partner is important to you and you want the relationship to continue, make the effort to find things that work for both of you.


What About Children

First of all, there are not likely any children at risk—not the ones you, as a couple, have of your own (biological, adopted or bonus), nor the nieces or nephews or family friends. If a MAP has come out to their teleio partner, there’s little chance they’re hiding a plot to assault a child. Teleios, if you’re concerned about this, ask your MAP partner to give you the statistics on child sexual assault.

Second of all... we’re back to there being no single answer.

If you have children, there’s always the chance that the MAP partner may find themselves attracted to one of their friends. You can deal with that if it comes up. Perhaps that’s a friend who only comes over when the teleio partner is around.

If the MAP partner finds themselves attracted to a family member, that can also be dealt with through whatever means make the couple comfortable.

If you don’t already have children but one of you wants them, you’ll have to work out the details between you. Some MAPs feel perfectly comfortable having a slew of children of their own; some prefer not to take the risk. Some teleios trust their MAP partner around friends and family members, but they just can’t wrap their minds around having children with a MAP.

Some, like other couples, may just not want children. That may not have anything to do with attraction.


You're The Same As Everyone Else

Once the initial adjustments are over, most couples find themselves dealing with nothing out of the ordinary. The relationship runs the same risks of success and failure as any other long-term partnership.

The key to success is, as with any relationship, communication. While the topic may be rare, the honesty, openness and trust it demands are not.


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